This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians healthy self-esteem, discussion on sexual compulsions. (The various misuses of sex, including sexual repression, shame, control, empty acceptance, boredom, loneliness, sex to try to get love, and the use and abuse of pornography).
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s time has passed and as I have spent time assisting people in furthering their walk with Jesus it is my firm belief the majority of difficulties people experience regarding sexuality and sexual orientation really have nothing to do with these issues.
Rather, I believe they instead wrestle with self-love, self-image, self-acceptance, self-actualization and self-esteem. When these truer issues are addressed in Jesus Christ then the sexuality and sexual orientation will naturally and without effort fall into place and its proper holy expression.
Sex is natural and healthy, when you walk in it responsibly, and in Christ's Love. It should edify and uplift self and your special person. In it you should not abuse self or other people.
ust as the misuse of substances is common in the gay and lesbian community, so too is the misuse of sex. Does this then give support to the belief that being gay is wrong? all gays think about is sex, they are obsessed with sex? No, again, sexual orientation is not the problem. The problem is the lack of ability for most gays or lesbians to develop through the normal stages of life, to develop a good, positive and healthy self-image and self-esteem. Those gays and lesbians who have developed good and healthy self-images usually experience few, if any, sexual and relationship problems.
Compulsions are normal things taken out of context, exaggerated in importance, and used to temporarily mask or cover up deeper emotional emptiness or need. Sexual compulsion has several sources.
One of the most common is sexual repression. This is common if you came from a home or family where sex is never discussed, it is considered "dirty," and sexual or sensual feelings are to be resisted and repressed. Such teachings cause the gay youth to feel ashamed, bad, or wrong. If you feel this way, have little sense of self-worth, you may engage fully in sexual compulsions to reinforce to yourself that you are worthless; since you are worthless, you may as well jump in with both feet and drown.
Another form takes on the image of abuse. This may be actual physical abuse or verbal abuse. If you were sexually or verbally abused, you may believe you did something to deserve it, and continue to punish yourself by seeking it again and again. You associate sex with shame, you feel ashamed and feed into the negativity through your behaviors. You use sex as reinforcement for shame, and you are spun into a vortex of shame begetting shame.
Another form of abuse is the desire to be controlled or used sexually. This is the false belief that you find acceptance in being used sexually. This often stems from childhood, a home and family that was out of control. You may falsely believe that through being controlled by another person you are being cared for, loved. Having sex with someone may give you a temporary feeling of being in control, or feel comforted and secure, but afterwards the feelings of being out of control emerge again and drive you again to other sexual encounters.
Need For Acceptance
Or, you may have found some sense of acceptance while having sex. In a desire to be loved and accepted, you turn to the feelings of acceptance you get from having someone desire you sexually. You only feel loved and accepted when you have sex with someone. You have difficulty finding worth in yourself outside of your body, outside of having sex. You obsess about growing old, balding, losing your body shape or losing your present desirability to other people. You obsess about your appearance, always find fault with your body, looking for ways to improve it. You're into the latest fashions and styles; to stay in tune with what society says is "desirable." You lose your self-autonomy in the pursuit of acceptance by others, society or the crowd. You need to be needed, and if you don't find someone to have sex with you feel empty, worthless. The feeling of value is fleeting, it wears off quickly and you need another episode of intimacy again and again.
Then there's the need for acceptance I call the "dance syndrome." This is where you go to a bar and sit all night hoping someone will notice you and ask you to dance. You could ask someone else to dance, but you need to feel desired, or needed, or to have someone make the first move, instead of you doing it, tired of you having to make the first move all the time. Or it can be anywhere, a party or even church, hoping someone will notice you, and come up to you and begin the conversation. So, you sit, mostly alone, miserable, unwilling to reach out, make friends by being a friend first.
Or you're just bored. You seek excitement, thrills, something new and different, or even daring. You engage in risky sexual behaviors and activities, unsafe sex, or sex mixed with the use of chemical substances.
Or you are just lonely and don't like being alone with yourself; you want to be around other people so you don't have to be around yourself. If you were alone with yourself, you might actually have to deal with issues you'd rather avoid.
Or, you're trapped, in what I call, the "next syndrome." You look or cruise for sex, looking for the ultimate sexual stud or babe, the ultimate fantasy man or woman, the ultimate sexual encounter of your life. You see someone, someone who you think might be the "right" person. But, you are afraid to commit, afraid to go off with the person, because if you do, then the next person who comes by will be the person you've been looking for all your life, and you won't be there to meet him or her. So, you sit, hour after hour, and never meet anyone, or commit to someone or something less than what you think you "deserve" or "desire." You slowly begin to see people not as individuals of inherent worth, but as things for sexual use.
Then there is the pornography issue. Art and pictures of the naked body are not "dirty" or wrong, in and of themselves. However, if twisted for the wrong reasons, then of course, they can take on unhealthy forms. This is when it is not Love, it does not elevate self, nor does it elevate the other person if you use or look at such from a lustful, selfish, self-gratification purpose. This is where you demean the person portrayed, not seeing him or her as a person of inherent worth, but an object, a thing to be used or abused. If pornography is needed for sexual stimulus, and you cannot function sexually without it, then I question the healthiness of the matter for you. If you are obsessed with it, devote all your free time to downloading porn off the INTERNET, or spend all your money on videotapes and magazines, then get a hint! Warning bells! Dysfunction.
Sex For Love
Or, you may confuse sex for Love. You desire to feel connected to someone, to express yourself, and to receive similar back from someone. You fall into the trap where sex gives you quick intimacy, but without the effort to really get to know someone. You don't have to risk revealing your true self, what you are really like as a person. Since you don't have a good image of yourself, you don't dare risk revealing yourself, lest you be rejected all the more. A fear of failure may cause you to never attempt real intimacy, really get to know someone, for fear of being rejected and losing, and so quick and easy sex is an easy substitute.
Fear of Success
A fear of success may cause you to choose quick easy sex, too, for if someone did get to know you a little bit and actually like you, it might mean you'd have to open up even more. It's just so much easier to stay stuck in neutral than make the effort to move anywhere in life.
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