|You Can Translate This Page Into Another Language - Choose Language:|
This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians relationships article on the challenges and responsibilities of relationships, and specifically to this page on being gay and married, gay married.
Search by word, phrase, or topic within this Website.
Copyright 2014-1997. All Rights Reserved. BBCB. USA.
Graphics & Music Used Are Believed Public Domain Unless Otherwise Noted. Some Graphics Courtesy Of...
This page hosted by...
eople sure can be a pain in the neck. It would be so much easier if people were like things, they stay where you put them, you know them, you can generally trust and rely on them, they often give comfort and help. But, people are not things, and further, people are not perfect, they're human. People have as many shortcomings as you do; they have strengths and weaknesses. They sometimes do things on purpose, and other times don't know what they are doing or even aware they are doing it. They can love you and hate you, be your friend, be your enemy, or be nothing at all. They are never predictable, but yet are so important and valuable to you. But, they, like you are created in God's Image, and through your relationship with God, learning and growing in Jesus, you can equip yourself to relate positively with them, and be confident in yourself in your relationships with them. So, let's look at some different relationships or situations we may find ourselves in with people.
his article on relationships will be the most difficult topic of anything discussed in this website, and lies near the heart, the center core of what it means to be a true Christian; at first, it may be difficult for you to swallow, digest, accept, and maybe even practice what will be discussed here. This may make you angry, make you wonder if following Jesus requires just too much work, or that it asks too much of you in general. But, to be truly Christian, to be a true follower of Jesus Christ, and to really be happy, balanced, centered, and at peace in your life and inner self, then you really have no choice, and hopefully you will ultimately see the joy in practicing the act of “following Jesus” in the way that He practiced “...relationships.” So, please bear with me, do not skim over it, or stop before you reach the end of a relationship topic that applies to you and your situation, so that you can see the full picture in its proper perspective and place.
You were saved, not so much for only your benefit, but for your benefit AND the benefit of others. Too much of modern Christianity is self-centered, self-focused, or downright selfish, meaning what is in it for “me.” The goal becomes rewards, perks, and benefits, when in reality being Christian means the goal of now being a member of a real family, relating with other members of the family, AND relating to people in general, with all that inter-connectedness operating and flowing in and through Love. In entering into relationship with Jesus, you also entered, whether you realize it or not, or whether you like it or not, into relationship with other members of the family, with God Himself, with your true deeper real self, and with the added responsibility of proper relationship and connection with other people around you. Every benefit you receive, every growth you achieve, every blessing that comes your way, is given not just for your benefit and use, but for the edification, growth, and profit of other people, too. You are not in this alone, and you cannot make it just about you. You have the responsibility of “...paying it forward.”
You are now given the responsibility, duty, and requirement to love everyone and anyone equally, without condition, and without hesitation. At first, it may be a real chore, and struggle. But, the more and more you surrender to Jesus and His Love, and actively practice it, the less and less of a burden it will be, and a bigger and bigger joy it will be to have and share with others. The Love that you are required to both be and give is unpredictable, limitless, sometimes rather ornery, illogical, surprising, messy, and downright maddening. This Love is also joy, peace, faith, meekness, gentleness, in control, happy, centered, restful, patient, generous, forgiving, and without limits or conditions.
In Jesus’ teachings and parables about relationship between God and you, and you and other people, and His own personal demonstrations of how he interacted with people, His goal was to tear down all walls, all separations, and all barriers. In so doing, you end up with relationships that are honest, transparent, open, building each other up, sharing and blessing each other, truthful, and real. Any time there appears a barrier between you and another person, between you and God, between you and yourself (the real person you know you are and ought to fully be), Jesus wants Love to be used to tear it down, and the hole where it once was filled in with relationship between you now that is rooted and grounded in His Love.
Any fear or hesitation to tear down any barrier denotes an absence of Love, and the need for its application. Love will sometimes tear down something in order to build up something that is more permanent, will take away something in order to give something better, and will wound in order to bring more lasting healing. In the midst of following Love, you may not know whether you can fully trust it, nor know exactly where you are going; but, if you follow Love, when you reach the end of the situation and look back, you will see the wisdom of trusting in and clinging to Love. Love will always lead to the edification, growth, and profit of yourself and other people; Love has everyone’s best interests in hand. In your interactions and relationships with people, and even with yourself, in every choice, action, behavior, thought, idea, belief, theory, attitude, connection, or whatever else it may be, compare it with Jesus’ Love. If they match, if it will edify, bring growth and profit, etc., then you can trust doing or being it. If they do not match, then this same Love will empower you to resist, overcome, or walk away from it. Walking in Love may require you to make some difficult choices, and difficult changes; but this same Love will give you the faith and strength to trust and carry on to completion, knowing that the end results are in the best interests of everyone involved.
tudies and statistics show two things common to gays and lesbians who are married. First, the majority of gay partners suffer from low self-esteem or low self-image prior to marriage; this may either be unknown or not fully understood by the gay partner; many gay married partners have no history of same sex sexual relations or attraction prior to the marriage. For the majority of gay partners, self-esteem and self-image develops and improves during and because of the marriage; with this develop, same sex attraction surfaces. But, with the awareness of same sex attraction, the gay partner may again become arrested in self-growth and development, experience denial, depression, confusion, despair, fears, feelings of hopelessness and entrapment, or they may engage in self-destructive behaviors and infidelity.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, then I strongly recommend you read Gay Christian Self-Esteem.
Second, the majority of gay partners were not aware of same sex sexual attraction prior to marriage. Their childhood's are often described as asexual, going through school and adolescence feeling different, left out, shunned; never or rarely dating; wanting and desiring friendship, companionship and intimacy but unable or fearful of acting on those desires. Many marry to fit in, to be accepted in society, and please parents, family and the Church. This lack of awareness is an important point, for the straight partner often feels betrayed or confused, thinks the gay partner has lied, lived a false life. Most gay partners enter into marriage sincerely, many are actually deeply in love with their straight partners, and many are able to function fully or somewhat normally in sexual relations with their straight partner.
First let's talk about the difference between sexuality and relationship. Sexual orientation is generally defined as the gender to which you are sexually attracted. I disagree with this definition. I believe the truer definition of sexual orientation is "the gender to which you are relationship attracted." Many people can experience sexual arousal or are perfectly capable of sexual relations with members of both sexes, male or female. However, the desire to live in life-long monogamous relationship lies more with one gender than the other. I, for example, was married for many years before I fully understood and accepted my truer sexual orientation. Though I was capable of normal sexual relations with a female, my deeper need and desire was to bond in relationship with a man, even more than my desire to be sexual with a man. Relationship is more than a physical attraction; it is an emotional and spiritual bonding.
The majority of gay partners who remain married do so for a variety of reasons, i.e. children, financial stability, social acceptance, fear, genuine love for their partner and family, etc. The majority of gay partners who are unfaithful sexually during the marriage rationalize and justify their actions in creative ways, i.e. it isn't adultery since it is with someone of the same sex and not the opposite sex, etc. Further, they often are arrested in adolescent sexual development, lacking intimacy, commitment, and connectedness.
Statistics show the majority of marriages fail when the gay partner's same sex sexual attraction becomes know; the marriage may last for a while, even years, but ultimately divorce. Statistics show the majority of gay partners who choose divorce are those who have grown in their sexual development, see and understand sexuality is more than sexual activity, and the majority of them actually desire the best for their straight partners.
As a Christian, when you join in a relationship you enter into a covenant, with this covenant comes mutual responsibilities and duties. Part of that covenant is sexual relations; the best expression of sexuality is sexual relations within that relationship. Sex is more that reproduction; it can serve for recreational and relationship bonding purposes. Sex is not the relationship, but it supports and uplifts it, an expression of the love between partners, a love not just defined as feelings and affection, but commitment, dedication and devotion. Therefore, a gay partner who enters a heterosexual relationship knowing fully he/she is gay enters the relationship falsely; a gay partner who enters such a relationship not knowing his/her sexual orientation enters the relationship sincerely.
So, the gay married partner is caught in a dilemma, married but attracted to members of the same sex. Sexual relations outside of relationship are not for the best. Jesus said the only grounds for divorce under the Old Covenant was adultery; He further identified adultery as more than the actual act but the desire to be unfaithful to one's committed spouse. Under the New Covenant, we understand all things are lawful but not all things edify, only those things that are love edify. Therefore, the gay married partner should either remain married, either celibate or continue heterosexual sexual relations with the straight partner, or divorce. Matt. 5:27-28, 31-32; Rom. 13:8-10; I Cor. 6:12-20
To remain celibate is not a decision for the gay partner alone; it must involve the straight partner. If the straight partner cannot live a life married but celibate with the gay partner, not be satisfied with other forms of affection and commitment alone, then there is imbalance. To remain married and have sexual relations between the gay and straight spouse means the sex must be to the level of being mutually rewarding and satisfying to both parties involved, emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. Sex is a sharing experience, which can deepen the relationship, and if this sharing is blocked or impeded then there is imbalance. The gay and straight partners must walk in Love towards each other sexuality. If either the gay or straight partner is unable to be emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually satisfied and able to be him/herself fully, then there is imbalance.
Each marriage must walk in Love, even in divorce. If it is believed divorce is the best for both the gay and straight partners, then it must be in agreement with the Law of Love. Above all things, you remain siblings in the Lord for each other, and the Law of Love requires you to take into consideration the best for each other, to care and provide for each other. Therefore, it is the responsibility of both of you to care for each other, to do your best to help and assist the other person in beginning life anew.
If you divorce, it is your responsibility to remain Christ-like in all you are, do and say. You cannot be responsible for the actions or reactions of people around you, including your partner, but you can be responsible for your own actions and reactions; all are to be Love. Though you cannot control the actions and reactions of other people, you can effect or influence them in how you respond and treat them. It is important to reinforce to your partner and the people in your life you are the same person you ever were, i.e. kind and caring, devoted and dedicated (I'm assuming you are; if not, that is a whole other discussion). Reinforce continually your Love and care, place your partner's needs above your own. Communicate, provide information and Love to each other to calm fears and misunderstandings; build each other up and edify.
If it proves your partner does not accept your sexuality, rejects you, be kind and think before you act. Recognize the fears, hurts, confusions that may be going through your partners mind and heart. Try your best to calm, to provide the truth, to care and love. Let your life, in how you live it; speak as loudly and truthfully as your words.
I cannot tell you to divorce or remain married. I can only tell you in this, as in all aspects of your life, you must use the Law of Christ, the Law of Love, as the measure to determine if what is right and for the best, not just for you but also for everyone involved. Remember, though we have liberties in Christ, we do not use them for selfishness, but by Love serve one another.
To be truthful, most gay married persons are wrapped up in self, and not Love. They are more concerned about themselves, their social and societal acceptance, than they are about their spouses. Love compels you to think of others and not just yourself, to think about what is best for your spouse. You are gay and your spouse is straight; you are an orange and your spouse is an apple. You get the idea.
See Also: Autobiography Marriage, My Husband is Gay, My Dad is Gay, I'm Gay and Married, Books - Gay, Lesbian and Married, Relationship Links, Families Joined By Love: Books, Resources, and Community for LGBT Families.
Click to return to Website Index Page...
BUT WANT TO?
You may receive articles from Gay Christian Online by donation through PayPal. Articles may either be mailed to you, or the article file saved to your computer; multiple copies available, too.
To receive an article, Click Here...
If this Website has blessed you, please consider supporting it. You may donate instantly using PayPal online payment service. "It's fast, free, and secure!" Click Here...