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Gay Christian Online - Gay Christian Advice and Information - What Does Gay Really Mean, What To Do If A Gay Or Lesbian Religious Spouse Leaves - Page Fourteen


Is Being Gay Is Wrong?
The Real Reason Why Sodom Was Destroyed
The Truth About The Role of Women
Does Being Gay Mean Doing Your Own Thing
False And Hurtful Gay Stereotypes
Should I Come Out?
Thanks for Your Website
Is Pornography Good Or Bad?
What To Do If Your Parent Is Gay
Can You Help Me Find A Gay Accepting Church?
Is Masturbation Wrong?
The True Purpose Of Reproduction
What To Do If You Hate Yourself For Being Gay
What To Do If You Are Gay and Married
What To Do If You Discover Your Spouse Is Gay
Is Sex Outside of a Relationship Wrong
What To Do If You Are A Battered Spouse
What To Do After A Relationship Ends
What If My Church Finds Out Iím Gay?
My Gay Spouse Wonít Go to Church
Iím Afraid God Will Reject Me For Being Gay
Should I Leave My Church For Rejecting Me For Being Gay?
What Do These Scriptures Really Mean About Being Gay?
Is Change From Gay To Straight Possible?
I Think I Might Be Gay, How Can I Tell For Sure?
Is Gay Sex Wrong?
How To Correctly Interpret Scripture
What Does Gay Really Mean?
What To Do If A Religious Gay or Lesbian Spouse Leaves
What To Do If You Are Being Used In A Relationship
Is Nudity Ever Acceptable?

n my many years as a Minister and Counsellor I am often asked to provide information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them, or assist hurting people needing someone to listen and care.

o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people, so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have. Perhaps, these are situations and problems you are having, and my advice, wisdom, and information can assist you in making the right positive, healthy, and responsible choices and decisions.

My wisdom and advice my be just what you seek and need, my answers may surprise or shock you, they might unsettle you, you might refuse to believe what I say and recommend at first (but with time learn and see my point), or I may even upset and anger you. Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.

Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben

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What does gay mean?

Your question is kind of open and vague. So, I shall try to answer it broadly, cover it from different angles.

Unlike a lot of people, I do not believe the "definition" of being gay (homosexual) or straight (heterosexual) is determined by the gender towards whom you are sexually attracted, but rather the gender to whom you are relationship attracted. Being gay means you are relationship attracted to someone of a certain gender. Psychologists, the psychological community and profession made a mistake in calling it "sexual orientation." It caused lay people, everyday people in society to think the defining aspect is "sexual." Yet, all counselors and psychologists admit in counseling someone struggling with, or trying to understand or determine their sexual orientation spend less time talking about and discussing sex, as they do relationship desire and attractions.

Most people match in their sexual and relationship attractions, for example, someone who is heterosexual is both sexually and relationship attracted to someone of the opposite gender, just as someone who is gay/lesbian is both sexually and relationship attracted to someone of the same gender.

So, what is a bisexual? If relationship is the truest definer, then a bisexual is NOT someone who can be sexually attracted to both genders, able to have sexual activity with both genders; instead, it is someone who is capable of abiding in a committed, loving, dedicated, and devoted life-long relationship with someone of either gender. The truth is, true bisexuals are actually very rare.

People mistake, in thinking sexual orientation is about sex, in defining someone as bisexual who is sexually attracted to both genders. Instead of being bisexual, most of these people are what we in the psychological profession call "mixed." For example, a "mixed" straight person is someone who is capable of sexual activity with both genders, but only capable of falling in love and abiding in life-long committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender. Likewise, a "mixed" gay or lesbian person is someone who is capable of sexual activity with both genders, but only capable of falling in love and abiding in life-long committed relationship with someone of the same gender.

The role of the counselor for someone who is "mixed," is to help such a person understand that although they can have sex with either gender, partaking in such behavior and activity may not always be in their long-term best interest. Instead, they need to channel their sexual arousal and behavior to match the gender with whom they desire to abide with in life-long relationship.

Being gay involves more than sexual activity, although often that is all some people see in gay people, and they assume, and assume wrongly what that activity encompasses, what gay people actually sexually do. Being gay involves falling in love with someone, just like straight, heterosexual, people do, and desiring to settle down and abide in lifelong relationship with that person.

Being gay is no more an issue than being straight. It only becomes an issue when it is out of balance, or it is exclusively seen outside of the rest of what makes us who we are, or when it is operating out of dysfunction or outside of Christís Law of Love. Sexual orientation is a non-issue. It is an issue to some people because of prejudices, inability to see diversity and variety in Godís creation, or because of misinformation, fears, insecurities, denial, etc.

Being gay isnít a lifestyle, itís a life, and only a small part of it, not that in which we get our identity or purpose, for that is reserved for Christ. Being gay isnít a choice. If it were it would mean straight people would be just as capable of changing to gay as gay to straight. If you asked a straight person to "choose" to be gay, it would seem very foreign, unnatural, strange, and maybe even repugnant. But, for some reason, some people dismiss this same way gay people would feel if they were forced or encouraged to change to straight. Gay people donít want special rights, they just want to be left alone to live their lives responsibly and with dignity, and for people to give them the same respect, value, and recognition as persons of inherent worth and value as everyone else. Gay people do not recruit children or anyone else. Gay people appear randomly in every family home, culture, religion, and lifestyle. Gay people appear in homes peppered with mostly heterosexuals, so being around gay people will not cause a straight person to turn gay. Being gay is no more a sin that being heterosexual, but both can operate in their sexuality sinfully if they walk in their sexuality outside of Christís Law of Love.

Someone who is gay often doesnít have positive role models in life or society by which to learn and pattern oneself positively. Thus, a lot of gay people wrestle with dysfunctions, self-esteem and self-acceptance problems. Some of them, like some heterosexuals, over emphasize their sexuality until it becomes their focus, and in so doing they lose their truer selves. They embrace the world of easy sex without responsibility.

Being gay is not our identity. Michaelangelo was not a gay sculptor, he was a sculptor who happened to be gay. Further, I doubt he ever dressed in drag. Leonardo da Vinci was not a gay painter and inventor, he was a painter and inventor who happened to be gay. Further, I doubt he was into leather S&M, nor submitted ads in personal columns advertising himself as "straight acting." The gay people who live in bars, dress in drag, act outrageously, wear extreme leather clothing, are involved in S&M, frequent bath houses, sex clubs, engage in continual "one night stands," etc. are a very vocal minority. These are people who are immature, insecure, angry with themselves and society, dysfunctional in their lives and arrested in their development. This is the representation people see in the media, and they are no more representative of the gay community as Nevada legal houses of prostitution are representative of heterosexuality. Demanding civil rights, their "in your face" attitudes and actions do everything possible to ensure a rejection of equality. Martin Luther King, Jr., spoke words of dignified non-violence, stressing the commonality of divergent races and cultures of peoples, and he rallied speakers who represented the best of people, not the worst. I wonít even comment about the dominance of this vocal minority at gay pride parades and other activities.

Whatís sad is so many people see this vocal minority, and falsely believe it representative of what it means to be gay. Someone newly coming out of the closet may mistakenly believe this falsehood and jump in with both feet, trying to become like them. Or, sadder still, someone newly coming out may withdrawn further into the closet, fearing that if this is what being gay is, then they donít want any part of it, enduring even more years of self-loathing.

The truth is most gay people are very dull, and boringly normal. They live next door to you, either single or as couples. They watch the same TV shows, wave at you while barbequing on the weekends, pick up your mail for you, raise their children, mow their grass, sit in the next office, attend your church, eat the same foods, work as teachers or on construction jobs or are florists and priests, cry when they are hurt and laugh when they are happy. Such persons are just not very interesting to our media that needs excitement to attract viewers and subscribers. So, instead we see real or portrayed gay people who are effeminate, outrageous, out-of-control, promiscuous, addicted, or evil.

To be gay doesnít mean to look, dress or act a certain way. If you happen to be someone who is gay, being gay means being you. It means being the same person you were the day before you came out to yourself as the day afterwards. It means being true to yourself, your life, your sexuality, your world and your God. It means being normal.

Being gay is being someone, a person, not a thing, not a group, not a movement. It means being your friend, your neighbor, your boss, your co-worker, your mother or father, brother or sister, aunt or uncle, cousin, nephew or niece. It means being your fellow brother or sister in Christ.

You might also want to explore this article... just for fun... The Cause of Homosexuality (What Makes Someone Gay Or Lesbian).

See Also: Misinformation about Homosexuality, Being Christian in the Gay World, Books - The Lighter Side of Being Gay.

Gay Christian Online - Gay Christian Advice and Information - What To Do If A Gay Or Lesbian Religious Spouse Leaves Gay Christian Advice and Information - What To Do If A Gay Or Lesbian Religious Spouse Leaves HOME

My lesbian spouse wants to break up with me because she thinks that she can't be a Christian and be gay. This is not the first time this has happened. She left me for eight months once before, but then begged me to let her come back because she loved me. She grew up in a very religious home, and her parents and sister are always telling her she is going to hell for being gay. What should I do? She says that she loves me, but she also says being gay is wrong. Do I wait for her to come back again?

I donít know why, but for some reason, I get this situation from lesbian couples more than I do from gay male couples.

But, whether gay men or lesbian women, rarely does this situation just suddenly appear. It's been buried, stewing about within your partner for a long time. It's now come to the surface. This situation isn't religious, isn't even about sexuality, but about self, how she sees and values herself, self-love, and self-worth, even self-esteem.

The way I approach explaining what to do in this situation is to compare it with a married man having an affair with a woman on the side, behind his wife's back, the topic of the "other woman." But, in the case of your lesbian spouse, she is "married" NOT to another person, but "married" to a belief system that tells her she is unworthy and unacceptable. She wants to be accepted and loved. She believes she gets her value and worth through what she does. She thinks if she can just change, and be what she thinks, or what she is told is acceptable, then she will finally find inner peace, love, and acceptance. You and I know what Christ thinks of her, but she has to find that out for herself.

Meanwhile, you are the "other woman." You sit on the sideline, hoping she will leave the belief system "marriage," and come fully over to you. Sad, but true, whether we speak of someone actually married to a person or a belief system, rarely does that person EVER leave the "marriage" for the other person. They want the best of both worlds. They want the acceptance of society and people, but have you on the side, too; you are the "excitement," the "forbidden" love or pleasure.

You cannot be involved with a married person; it's unhealthy, for both of you.

She has to determine where she wants to live, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She has to fully and finally come to the full revelation of who she is, what her value is, how it is rightly defined, achieved, and maintained. She cannot live in both worlds. As long as she does, she will ever be conflicted, unhappy, out-of-balance, without inner peace, neither growing, nor prospering.

Your only choice, for her good and yours, is to give her the choice to go away and find herself, and then let her. If and when she ever finds it is up to her. In the meantime, you cannot sit around and wait; too many "mistresses of married persons" sit around wasting their lives, hoping and wishing their lover will divorce and come to them, they live in a constant fantasy world, "this will be the day he tells her he's leaving her for me, and we will finally and forever be together." Sorry, it's not going to happen, fantasy is fantasy, nor reality. You need to return to reality, and live in it. You have to get on with being you. You have to do what it takes to stand on your own feet, take care of your own self. You have to set healthy boundaries for yourself. One of those boundaries is a refusal to be involved with someone who cannot fully commit. What about you? When was the last time you thought about yourself, your needs, your goals, your hopes and dreams? How many of them have been put on hold waiting around for her to come around? Time to start thinking about yourself for a change, and doing so is not being selfish, but right.

She isn't fully committed to you, and she needs to be told that, by your refusing to feed into her dysfunctions, or become an enabler to her. You refuse to rescue her. If you do, she will never fully grow up, never really learn what she needs to learn, and end up repeating it all with someone or somewhere else.

She needs a life example that it is acceptable to be yourself, an example of someone who takes care of herself, is positive about life, and lives it positively, and pro-actively. That person can be you. Whether she sees and embraces those truths, are her choices.

You, the "other woman," in love, set healthy boundaries for yourself and her. If she comes home to you, or she remains "married," you must be love, to yourself, and to her. You cannot feed her unhealthy self-image, nor her dysfunctions. You must make choices that are edifying to you, and to her. In this case, part of those choices is setting a positive example for her to see, and giving her the freedom to either embrace that example, or not. Either way in her choices, you will be secure in and of yourself, which is most important.

Even if someone eventually leaves the "marriage," you cannot become the "rebound relationship." Therefore, I recommend people not get involved either with a married person, or someone newly "divorced." Give the newly divorced person space and time to fully find self. After time passes, and the person fully matures, you can better determine if this person is truly right for you. In most cases it is not, because in that person finally growing up and into who they are supposed to be, they have become someone completely different than you once knew, and now have different goals, plans, dreams, personality, and values.

These are tough decisions and choices, but love is sometimes tough. In the end, love always leads to our growth and edification. We don't often see this when we are in the midst of it all, but when we emerge on the other side, we see love's wisdom.

See Also: Gay Christian Self-esteem.

ext page for open letters on what to do if you are being used in a relationship, and how to handle nudity in various life situations and settings...

Gay Christian Open Letters - Page Fifteen - Being Used In A Relationship, Is Nudity Ever Acceptable Gay Christian Open Letters - Page Thirteen - Is Gay Sex Wrong?  How To Correctly Interpret Scriptures

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